Do you feel like your husband or boyfriend no longer compliments you or makes the effort he once made when you two were first dating?
Do you worry that settling into married life or a long-term relationship has permanently decreased the romance, affection, and googly eyes that your guy once had for you?
You might be tempted to "talk" to your man about it and ask him to change. Unfortunately, men don't respond to verbal talk as much as they respond to action. So "talk" to him non-verbally, with your actions, and see what happens!
My girlfriend, Isla, has been with her husband for almost 10 years. Married for 6 of them. They have a ridiculously passionate marriage, probably one of the strongest I have ever seen. Especially for being ten years into their relationship.
One of the things she always tells me is that she can’t understand why wives stop putting in as much effort in their appearance when they’re married as when they were single. It’s a guaranteed desire killer.
Of course, sustaining your appeal and intrigue in your husband’s eyes has a lot more to do than just your appearance.
But here are 10 actionable steps you can take today to get your husband's attention.
1. Look good for the man you love.
Before you start thinking I’m shallow, there are good, common sense reasons behind this suggestion.
Before you were in love with your guy and you were just dating him, you probably went out of your way to look delicious for him consistently.
Question is, do you do that for him now? Now that you have him, love him, and care for him?
Bigger question is: if your answer is no, why not?
It’s interesting that so many of us go to such lengths to impress strangers more than the men we love.
Why do we do that?
Is it because, now that you’re married, you believe he should think you’re beautiful no matter what? Because you want to be able to relax?
2. Remember to maintain the four types of chemistry.
Most women would say that once you’ve “snagged” your man, he should “love you for you.” Meaning that if he loves your inner beauty that should affect how he sees your outer beauty. Your dynamic personality, your love for animals, your great values, your kindness to everyone, your patience, your mean spaghetti bolognese, your loving mom skills, etc…
That is, of course, partially true. Your husband (or boyfriend) should love you for the important things about you that have nothing to do with your appearance. And your inner beauty does elevate your outer beauty in your guy's eyes. To a certain extent.
He may think you're a beautiful person, but he may not be turned on by you. He may love that you're sweet, warm, and caring but he doesn't feel passionate desire or aroused by you. Women want to feel cherished and desired by their man. And men want to feel that desire for their woman. You both want it.
So you can see that physical chemistry is important in your relationship.
John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, explains it best.
He believes that there are four types of chemistries that should all be present between two people for them to have a fulfilling “soulmate” relationship:
- Physical chemistry - generates desire and arousal
- Emotional chemistry - generates affection, caring and trust
- Mental chemistry - creates interest and receptivity
- Spiritual chemistry - opens our hearts, creating love, appreciation and respect
All four chemistries were most likely present in your relationship when you two decided to marry. That’s probably why your relationship moved forward.
If all four were needed to bring your relationship to this moment, then shouldn’t all four chemistries be present throughout the entirety of your relationship to maintain it? That’s the mistake so many people make in marriage. They neglect one or two of the chemistries.
Please avoid neglecting the essential elements that brought you together in the first place.
These are all important elements in your relationship. Pay attention to all of them and cultivate each one.
If you’re indifferent to any one of them you will leave a huge gap in your relationship.
3. Physical chemistry generates desire and arousal. Read, apply, and repeat.
If you neglect the physical chemistry in your relationship you are stamping out the fires of desire and arousal in your relationship. Who wants that? Most of the compliments, desirous attention, and romance stems from this part.
Physical chemistry was needed to win your man’s attention and attraction when you were dating. You will need it to maintain your man’s attention and attraction when you’re married.
4. Don't be lazy with your wardrobe
Take a cue from my friend, Isla. She makes sure that every outfit she wears is cute, sexy, and attractive. From her pajamas, to her gym clothes, to her lounge at home clothes, to her professional wear, to her date night outfits. She never buys an outfit that doesn’t look stunning on her, even if it’s just sweats. She buys the cute sweats.
“I have to buy the clothes anyway, why wouldn’t I buy the ones that fit me the best, feel good, and look the most attractive?” Good question.
Isla kills seven birds with one stone this way.
- She has the clothes she needs for her everyday life and activities.
- Her clothes are attractive and she stimulates visual and sexual attraction within her husband on a daily basis, no matter what she wears.
- He emotionally feels more connected to her because her effort makes him feel appreciated, respected, and lucky that he’s still turned on by his wife.
- She looks and feels attractive in her clothes giving her a huge boost of self-confidence.
- Looking good in her clothes motivates her to eat healthier and exercise so she’ll look even more captivating in her clothes.
- There is more sexual bonding between her and her husband, bringing them closer emotionally.
- She never has to think twice about what to wear when she leaves the house or has meetings. She already knows she looks good in everything in her closet.
Her reward? Besides those seven, that is.
After over 10 years of being together, Isla’s husband compliments her daily more than most guys do on a first date. He looks at her with the kind of adoring eyes that most women complain have long disappeared from their relationships since the honeymoon stage. And he, in turn, exercises, stays fit, dresses well, and more importantly cherishes her – all things that she finds attractive and really appreciates.
If you’re worried about comfort and don’t want to clean the house in a negligee, rest assured there are plenty of stylish, sexy, attractive outfits in the world that are comfortable and appropriate.
I wear form flattering maxi dresses or stylish Lulu Lemon comfy wear when I’m bumming around the house. Feels like I’m wearing a cloud and still attracts my guy.
5. Ask his opinion of what he likes on you.
This does double duty.
When you ask your guy what he likes to see you in and then accommodate him every now and then, it shows that you respect his opinion which makes him feel valued and masculine and you know what he likes.
Be prepared for some truths, however. There are some gorgeous flowy tops I own that make me feel so pretty, only to discover that my guy thought they were maternity tops. Ouch. And there are some things he wants me to wear that will just never happen. Never.
Of course you don't have to always wear clothes that he loves. You should wear clothes that make you feel happy as well. It's just about mixing it up for the both of you because, let's face it, it rewards the both of you.
6. Take care of your body.
To be honest, this actually is just beneficial for you in so many ways. Then there's the added bonus it will keep your man attentive towards you as well.
Follow a fitness regimen. You don’t need to be Madonna about it but 20-30 minutes a day doing a combination of some strength training and cardio will keep you in shape. I use dvds or go for a run.
It is well known that people who exercise regularly feel more confident, successful, and have more active sex lives than those who don’t exercise.
Another added benefit is that you’re more likely to eat healthy because you don’t want to unravel your hard work. And that’s just overall good for your health.
And health makes everything look better. Your hair, nails, skin, eyes, etc…
7. Speaking of hair and skin, take care of them.
A mani/pedi, facial, great haircut that flatters your face, bikini wax, or eyebrow shaping can make you look and feel pretty and confident.
Plus, your husband gets a woman who feels good about herself and some eye candy to look at (that’s you). Everyone wins.
8. Add flirtation and seduction into the mix.
Men can't get enough flirtation from women. It's makes them view you as fun, mysterious, and exciting. Yes, even if you are in a long term relationship. Even if you've been married for years, your man still doesn't always know what's on your mind. Use that to create mystery.
Give him a little mystique. When you make a smart remark wink or raise your eyebrow at him. When you are saying goodbye, saunter away from him Jessica Rabbit style and look over your shoulder with a flirty look. Hold a pen between your teeth when you're in thought. Speak to him in a sweet, sexy voice that is low and soft. There are plenty of ways to be flirty and seductive. Find what works for you.
You might feel weird and dumb if you're not used to doing these things. So practice in front of the mirror. Alone. Your guy will like it. He may wonder what you're doing at first if you've never done it before. But a few times of it and he'll catch on. Happily.
9. The most beautiful thing you can wear for your husband is your smile.
Men love when their women smile.
It communicates to him your happiness and that he had a part in making you happy. That makes him feel masculine.
Appreciate the gifts that your man gives you. Even if they don’t always match up to what you wanted.
We are not entitled to anything from someone else in this life. So when he gives you something, even if it’s just a compliment, be grateful, happily responsive, and receptive about it. Expectations and disappointment are a turn off.
10. Show your love
Every single day show your husband how much you value him. Treat him like your man if you want him to treat you like his woman. Tell him you love him. Give him frequent kisses. Hug him like you can't get enough of him. Surprise him. And use these 10 tips to have a guy who will be thoroughly impressed and just can't get enough of you.
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Book recommendations to improve your relationship through effective communication .
John Gray, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, is incredibly insightful on the differences between men and women and how each gender perceives and receives each other. His books on relationships are some of my favorite and I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to better understand the opposite sex and apply that knowledge to better communicate with them.
His original book is, by far, my favorite. But depending on where you are in your relationship, his other books hone in and can be more specific to your needs.