"I want a girlfriend."
"I want a long term relationship."
I hear this all the time from my male clients.
In fact, acquiring a relationship and improving professional wear are the top reasons our single male clients contact us for help with their image and style. With close to 60% of our clientele being male and probably 75% of them single, I figured a post on how men can attract women would be welcome.
Hold up! You guys who are already in relationships, don't click off just yet. This is for you too. Just because you already have that special lady in your life does not mean you can rest on your laurels. Come on, you don't want your woman to lose her luster for you, do you?
That is one of the common complaints women have about their men in long term relationships - that they stop making the effort to be attractive. This just leads to your lady having less attraction for you. No one wants that. Don't make that mistake.
The smallest thing can leave a lasting impression.
Years ago, when I was living in NYC, I went on a date with this guy. He did something that will remain in my memory for decades. Near the end of the date (not even sure what we did) we were riding down an elevator with a group of people, he leaned in to whisper in my ear (he was standing behind me). His whisper? "You are so much more intelligent than you are beautiful. And we all know how drop dead gorgeous you are."
It was hands down one of the best compliments I had ever had. In one fell swoop, he not only let me know he thought I was beautiful but he complimented me on something that I valued much more than beauty - my intellect. I beamed and my knees went weak. That was so many years ago and I still remember it.
My memory of that date? Fantastic. Can't even remember what we did. What made it memorable was the way he made me feel.
A single insightful comment or a few chivalrous gestures can really impress a woman. One rude statement, however, or a moment of careless behavior can end in date Armageddon.
Most women can gauge pretty quickly whether they want to see you again.
Here are 12 tips on how to attract women. Whether you're on a first date or celebrating your 10th wedding anniversary, these will help spark (or re-spark) the attraction and maintain it.
Remember, a woman's attraction for you is not coming from just one thing you do, it comes from everything you do.
1. Good grooming.
There is something very attractive about a put together masculine man who pays attention to the details.
Shower. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. If you have facial hair, keep it neat. Nice, clean nails. Good skin. And smell good!
Not only does it shock me how many guys go on first dates forgetting to do a number of these simple things, what's worse are husbands who just get lazy and fail to put in the effort to maintain basic hygiene.
Offensive body odor, sloppy hair, scraggly facial hair, bad cologne are all attraction killers. Women are attracted to men who know how to take care of themselves. It implies that you're put together and can take care of other things as well. Plus, hello! You look more handsome and smell good when you're well groomed, and those are all attraction enhancers.
A great scent is a powerful aphrodisiac. Women will swoon over a man's great smell. And it doesn't even have to be a cologne. My own guy never wears cologne. His God-given clean scent makes me weak in the knees.
Speaking of smell, smokers be aware that smoking is a deal-breaker for most women. A Match.com survey found that almost 70% of smokers said they don't even want to date another smoker. And if you check "smoker" on your dating profile, you're knocking close to 90% of women out of your matches.
"Singles are primarily concerned about two things: health and smell." says Bela Ghandi, Match.com relationship expert and founder of the Smart Dating Academy. And smoking is the opposite of health or good smells.
Let's face it, you want your date or your wife to look and smell good everyday. It's no mystery why she wants that from you too.
2. Dress well.
A man with style, self-assurance, and confidence is a turn on for women. It's not just about looks, it says something about you. Dress smartly and she will not only think you're stylish, sophisticated, and competent but you will also make her feel special because you made the effort.
You don't need to dress in a custom suit, Bond style. Just dress in clean, wrinkle free clothes that are appropriate, current, stylish. Wear clothes that accentuate your personality and flatters your body shape. You don't have to change who you are to look nice. Use clothes to stylishly communicate who you are to her.
3. A man with a plan.
There is nothing more unexciting and unappealing than a man with no plan.
This applies to all areas of your life. From something as simple as having a plan for your date night, to having a plan for your future. Men with no real plans or goals for their lives come across as wishy washy to women and not keepers.
Indecisiveness is about as attractive as bad body odor. If it's a first date, make sure you've mapped out the entire date and put some effort into what you think she would enjoy. Leave room for some spontaneity if something interesting pops up, but always know what you're going to do next.
More importantly, if you're in a long term relationship, don't fall into the "I don't know, what do you want to do?" zone. Occasionally, be decisive about things you know she would like and just plan them. She'll love that she can relax into your capable hands and know she's being taken care of. Even if it's just a simple Friday evening plan.
Women like attention to detail.
4. Interesting conversation and communication.
Women love a man who can clearly communicate. Anything. His day. His feelings. His opinions. As long as you're not rude about it, she wants to hear about you. But, if you're on a date, don't make the mistake of "advertising" too much.
Men sometimes try to sell themselves to women on a date and will inadvertently talk too much about themselves. Even if you feel like it's harmless and you're just letting her get to know you, many women will perceive it as egotistical and feel like you don't care about what she likes and cares about.
Women are more attracted to a man who makes them feel interesting and special over a man who is, himself, interesting. Many men are confounded by this. They feel like they need to impress a woman with their accomplishments to attract her.
Just remember, women want to feel special. They are attracted to men who make them feel special. And the way to make her feel special is to make her feel like you think she is the most interesting person in the world. Not you.
Ask her questions about herself and her interests. Genuinely listen and respond. Make her feel comfortable. Don't antagonize her. If you seem interested, she will love talking about herself.
Stay authentic. The easiest way for you to impress her is to ask her real questions about her that you want to know and just let her talk about herself. This actually works great if you're shy or don't talk much. She will do the majority of the talking. Don't drill her, though, that could weird her out.
Bottom Line: Talk about your interests and be sure you talk about hers.
5. Compliment her.
Sincere compliments make women feel special, important, and attractive. It creates a happy, giddy feeling inside of us. Which then makes us associate that happy feeling with you and feel more attracted to you.
Flatter her without being creepy or desperate. Do not compliment her body unless she's your girlfriend or wife. Do compliment her clothes, intellect, interests, or beauty.
Especially compliment your wife or girlfriend. She will never tire of you listening attentively to her, telling her you think she's beautiful and intelligent, or doing the chivalrous little things that show you care. You may feel redundant or bored doing them over and over again, but just think how you would feel if she stopped praising your talents, showering you with flirtation, or dressing to impress you.
6. Make her laugh.
The more you can make her laugh, the more attractive she will find you. "This is because the ability to make others laugh is perceived as a dominant trait and women prefer dominant males," says Robert Provine, professor of psychology at the University of Maryland, Baltimore. Studies show that women laugh at men they're attracted to, and men are attracted to women who laugh at them.
Don't worry if you're not Steve Carrell or Ryan Gosling. You can still discover humor with your natural charisma, confidence, and charm.
Even if you're not a known funny man, you can make your date laugh by not taking yourself so seriously, sharing humorous stories about your friends and family, and having some humility and modesty. Arrogance and ego tend to make most women annoyed. If you know how to be witty with dry humor and can get the timing right, that's a pretty sure fire way to make a woman laugh.
Self deprecation can also work well as long as you don't go too far. You don't want her thinking you have no self-confidence. Confidence is a big source of attraction too.
Confidence is another top characteristic that women find attractive in men.
Walk the fine line though. Many guys mistake their arrogance for confidence and cockiness is as unattractive as confidence is attractive.
Be careful, too, that you're not trying to cover your nervousness or insecurity with a false confidence. That is usually easy to spot and will just make you look worse.
Smiling at people also shows you're open, friendly, and confident with yourself. Plus, it goes a long way in making your date feel good. Just make sure you're smiling sincerely. If not, a phony smile could make you seem disingenuous.
If you need help building your confidence, we'll tackle that one in a future post.
8. Make eye contact.
Eye contact is a strong form of non-verbal communication. Not only does increased eye contact make you seem more appealing in pretty much every way to those you interact with, it improves the quality of the interaction.
You might be tempted to check her out up and down. Don't do it! If you find her beautiful, then your temptation will be even stronger and you might struggle to concentrate on your conversation. If she catches you staring at her backside or chest when she's telling you about her relationship with her sister, oof! Can you say scummy?
On the other side of the coin, if men are not confident enough, they sometimes have roaming or shifty eyes. This can be misinterpreted as disinterest in her, not caring about what she's saying, or nervousness. None of these will help her attraction for you.
Make sure you return her gaze when she is speaking to you and focus on what she is actually saying instead of focusing on yourself. If you're feeling uncertain, this will help take you out of your head and center on her and her words.
This truly is becoming a lost art. If you want simple ways to attract a woman, think about the way your grandfather might have treated a woman. Be chivalrous and a gentleman. This goes for single and married men.
To my dismay, modern gender equality advocates have eradicated acts of chivalry. No matter what gender you are, these are just considerate and polite gestures that show you're thinking of someone else rather than just yourself. Be a leader and bring chivalry back by offering these simple acts of kindness.
You don't need to protect her honor by challenging men to a dual. But being attentive and caring to her needs communicates that she is important to you. And that will make her feel good.
- Always offer to hang or check a lady's coat wherever you are.
- Help her with putting on her coat when leaving.
- Open the door for her.
- Pay the bill without hesitation on at least the first date. It's not about women being gold diggers. She will be deciding what kind of guy you are. Are you dependable, generous, and a dominant man who takes care of things? Taking care of the bill alludes you are all of these things.
- Offer her your arm when you walk together.
- Walk on the outside part of the sidewalk, closer to traffic.
- Don't drink too much. It implies that you either need to be intoxicated to be around her or you have a drinking problem. Either way, it's a red flag.
These kind and courteous social graces will help you stand out in a world where gentlemen are practically extinct. It's not common for men to do these things anymore but I assure you that it's a great way to increase her comfort level with you. A humble, sweet girl will appreciate these. A self-entitled brat won't. This can also help you recognize and filter those ungrateful women out of your life.
"Manners are all about putting other people at ease and thinking about others,” says William Hanson, a senior etiquette tutor from The English Manner, a modern take on finishing school. "We have become increasingly selfish as a society."
10. Ignore your phone.
I was initially going to put this one under 'manners' but it deserves a category all by itself.
Nothing says, “You’re not that important” like taking a call from someone else or checking a text in the middle of a conversation. Especially if she is mid-sentence. Too many men think it's fine to answer a phone call or shoot off an email in the middle of a date or conversation. It's rude. It's disrespectful. It's the equivalent of another person interrupting your conversation uninvited and you encouraging them to continue.
I had a male client who did this on many of his dates. His excuse? Something came to mind and he wanted to take care of it before he forgot.
There is a simple solution for this. You know that thing between your ears and under your hair (or scalp)? That's your brain. Use it. If a thought jumps into your head, use your brain to remember it for a few minutes. When your companion is no longer talking, excuse yourself for a moment and say that you need to jot something down into your phone that you need to remember.
If you are truly expecting an important phone call from your family or business, warn her at the beginning of the date that you may have to take a call sometime during the date.
If we all just started doing something else whenever a thought jumped into our head, we would never be able to give anyone any kind of undivided attention. We would just be a bunch of rude people interrupting others at our whim.
You definitely wouldn't do that if you were in an important business meeting. Show the same kind of respect and prioritization to the woman who has either committed her life to you (if it's your wife), or if it's a first date, the woman who has taken time and effort to spend time with you.
11. Her friends and family.
Like men, women want their partner to fit in well with her social network. If her friends and family like you, your attraction points go way up. This is why women are attracted to charming, engaging, and good natured men who know how to work their likable magic, not only on her, but on her friends and family. Impress them and you will impress her.
12. Your bedroom can impress a woman.
Not that way. Jeez.
If you're just getting to know a woman and it's the first date or the sixth date, a lot will be communicated about you when she first sees your bed and your bedroom.
A messy bedroom with beaten up furniture, an old bed, and black sheets that look like you haven't gotten new ones since college, indicates a guy who is not mature, sophisticated, or knows how to take care of himself. Women are not attracted to men who can't take good care of themselves. It indicates you won't be a good future partner.
An informal Facebook poll found that a high percentage of women find single men's beds sorely lacking in both comfort and style.
One of my female clients, a sexy 35 year old lawyer, told me a story about a man she was seeing. They had already been on five dates and for the sixth date, he invited her over to his place to cook for her. This was her first time at his place and she was pleasantly surprised when she stepped in and found that he had gorgeous, quality furniture and that his place was decorated with great style and taste.
She said his place was inviting, comfortable, and put her at ease. When she walked in his bedroom, she was equally impressed. It was well designed, had a huge, comfy bed, and looked like he had put effort in making it a haven to relax and sleep in. This, alone, gave her a sense that if his house was this put together then his life was most likely also put together. It gave her a sense of competence about him and that he could take care of things. A very attractive quality in a man.
Turn your bedroom into the inviting refuge you never knew you wanted. Do it for you. This is the place you sleep, decompress, and relax in. Why not make it a sanctuary? Treat yourself to a good mattress. And yes, a good bed will require good sheets which will cost you a little bit of money too. But it is a worthwhile investment. You'll love it and, if anything, that'll get her excited to get in bed.
Follow these simple tips and you'll find that first dates will go smoother and you'll have more success with scoring more dates. If you're in a long term relationship, no doubt your lady will appreciate the effort, find you more attractive, and reward you with all that goes along with increased attraction. ;)
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My book recommendations to improve your romantic relationship through effective communication .
John Gray, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, is incredibly insightful on the differences between men and women and how each gender perceives and receives each other. His books on relationships are some of my favorite and I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to better understand the opposite sex and apply that knowledge to better communicate with them.
His original book is, by far, my favorite. But depending on where you are in your relationship, his other books hone in and can be more specific to your needs.